Intro
You’ve got a strong engineer who ships, but working with them hurts. Treat collaboration like performance, not personality. This post gives you a script, the evidence to bring, and the escalation path if it doesn’t change.
TL;DR: Don’t soften the feedback. Make it precise, tie it to delivery, and set a bar they can hit.
- Treat collaboration like performance, not personality
- Bring 3–6 concrete incidents, not a vibe
- Use SBI/SBII to keep it out of debate mode
- Convert “be nicer” into rules for reviews and decisions
- If it doesn’t change, escalate like any other gap
1. Calculate the Drag
"Collaboration" is not a personality trait; it is a performance dimension. At senior levels, the job is not just writing code; the job is making the team faster.
The "brilliant jerk" is a math problem, not a moral one. They make local progress, but they create global friction. They win the argument, but the team loses time to attrition and rework.
Stop talking about "likability." Anchor the feedback in the role: they are operating like an elite individual contributor in a role that requires a multiplier.
2. Collect Receipts, Not Vibes
If you say "you are hard to work with," you invite a debate about personality. If you say "in Tuesday's review, you interrupted the junior engineer three times," you have a fact.
Collect specific moments. Do not rely on vibes or reputation.
Log these like bug reports:
- Meetings: Interrupting, dismissing, or dominating airtime.
- Async: Thread bulldozing or silent vetoes.
- Delivery: Ignoring review standards.
The Rule: If you cannot describe the behavior without using adjectives (like "rude" or "aggressive"), you are not ready to have the conversation.
3. Script with SBI + Intent
Use a structure that prevents wiggling. The Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) model works well, but adding "Intent" helps you check your assumptions.
The Script: "In [Situation], you [Behavior]. The impact was [Impact]. What was your intent?"
The Example: "In Tuesday’s design review, you dismissed the alternative without discussing trade-offs. The team stopped contributing, and we left without a decision. What were you trying to achieve?"
Then stop talking. Listen. Their answer tells you which lever to pull.
4. Turn "Be Nicer" Into Rules
"Be more collaborative" produces performative niceness for a week, and then it snaps back. You need behaviors that show up in the work itself.
Translate expectations into measurable actions.
- Code Review: Label comments as "blocker" or "non-blocker." Explain the risk in one sentence.
- Decisions: You can disagree once. If it is unresolved in ten minutes, write down options and pick one by the end of the day.
- Critique: If you block a solution, you are required to offer a workable alternative.
5. Build the Support Loop
If they have been rewarded for this behavior for years, they often do not feel the cost they create. Do not rely on a single conversation.
Support that actually moves behavior:
- Immediate Debrief: Ask within 24 hours, "When you cut Alex off, what did you think happened next?"
- Pairing: Pair them with a respected peer on a cross-team deliverable.
- Constraints: Give them a role constraint in meetings (e.g., "You ask questions; someone else closes").
6. Escalate Cleanly
If the loop doesn't change outcomes, stop treating it as coaching and start treating it as performance management.
Documentation is not bureaucracy; it is fairness.
The Micro-Script: "Here is what I observed. Here is what needs to change. Here is how we measure it. Here is the review date."
Tie consequences to the work. If they cannot operate cross-team, they cannot lead cross-team projects. Reduce their scope.
Closing Thoughts
You are not trying to change their soul. You are enforcing the requirements of the job.
If you tolerate the behavior because they ship code, you are accepting the math problem. You think you are choosing speed, but you are actually choosing churn.
Do This Next: The Feedback Prep Checklist
Before you book the room, ensure you have these four items ready.
- The Audit: Do you have 3 specific timestamps/incidents logged? (No adjectives allowed).
- The Script: Write out the SBI + Intent sentence for the most recent incident.
- The Constraint: Pick one specific rule to enforce (e.g., "Must offer alternative if blocking").
- The Metric: Define what "better" looks like (e.g., "Zero complaints from external teams on Project X").